Saturday, July 28, 2018 at 9:56 am
[OFF] Saturday - Monday
Nothing of importance for today. Mike is going to a shooting this with work for an event. Nick is going to his friend's for a sleepover until tomorrow. Mikhail and I are hanging out. I may have to get my shopping list done and we can go there and get that done.
[Work Hours] - OFF today
Self Love. I absolutely need to take it easy and try to do my absolute best. I want to just hang out and enjoy the day. Tomorrow anything else can get done.
Total hours this week: 40:07 hours.
When you wake up extremely in the morning, you get some solid hours of peace and quiet and productivity in that you need to work on for the computer. I feel like my lifeline would be cut if I didn't have my laptop. EVERYTHING is on here.
Complete the spreadsheet and get the formulas in. Don't worry about anything else. Finish this blog. Work on coding for a while. THEN work on OneNote for a little while. SET A TIMER!
Currently redoing my budget spreadsheet for August and things are looking grim. Definitely not good in the department of "money will be everywhere." Not only do I have school supplies, clothes, fees, and suddenly lunch money to worry about, but we got to get all the insurance stuff figured out because without doing so that's more money out of our pocket and surely do not know where $1200 will come for RX will come from next month.
4:27 hours total. The moon woke me up!
I think I'm past that exhaustion state. I'm past the giddy and giggly exhaustion point. Now, I am just getting crabby. I am still mellow and calm it's just little things setting me off and it's mostly with Nick. This could be due to the stress I had with his dad the other day. I'm tired. Exhaustion and very little patience means having a teenage son equals a lot of arguments about giving him $14 for a sleepover and NOT buying 10 bags of flaming hot cheetos which he's not even supposed to be eating because his RX for heartburn is $60 now and wouldn't need it if he didn't eat that crap!
I worked on all my computer stuff with lots of music, my feet kicked up, and a cup of coffee. The boys were quiet in their room or asleep until 10 am today and since we were up so early it's been a long stretch of just cranking out some work on here. I feel like I don't have time to do anything anymore but then when I waste time doing these particular things like working on spreadsheets and my blog, it's exactly that, I'm wasting time.
6+ hours of silence with Excel, my budget, a paycheck calculator, Spotify, my blog pulled up, and nothing else required of me.
Long story short, because I decided to delete over two-three years worth of blog entries to make this giant revamp on my blog.
I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism.
This has been tested for since I was, I don’t know, 19-years-old. None of the tests, none of them came back positive or any red flags.
After Mikhail’s pregnancy, I went on birth control – IUD, Mirena. Well, every six to eight months I was being diagnosed with some new disease or auto-immune disorder. I was frustrated. I ended up going awol with my hormones and emotions and I figured it was due to my bipolar disorder which no one knew I had because it was gone until he was born.
I went and got ‘fixed’ for bipolar disorder. I was put on a series of about sixteen different medications until it was settled on the cocktail of; Lithium, Klonopin, Ambien, and Risperidone. I was on this for about seven or so years.
After about eight years after Mikhail was born, I decided to start to believe that all my ailments were due to my IUD, the auto-immune diseases, the bipolar disorder, my hormones being out of whack since of the twin pregnancy but only having one baby. I convinced myself so much this was the cause of all my problems, that I permanently made it so I could no longer both carry children or have any form of the period ever again.
I remember my doctor after the surgery, “You’re going to be a normal person again.” I thought it was the oddest thing. Not because of a doctor saying that to her patient but because I had never heard to myself or any of my life as being ‘normal’. Normal. Normal? What even is normal? I got excited. This sense of hope that everything will be OK.
I had quite some crazy rollercoaster rides afterward. Hormones wouldn’t balance out. My body just went through trauma and now my hormones were like WTF DID YOU DO!?
Six months later, I started working again. And never stopped… I’ve worked three jobs for a few months after my surgery to remove all ability to have children/periods. Which screwed with my hormones which screwed with my Bipolar.
I fixed the bipolar. It was good. I was doing well at work. I got another new job. I worked on it. I struggled. I kept getting sick every single morning, and it was especially on Thursday. Why!? No one could answer. I was laid off in October 2017. I took the winter off with the intent to go back in February. Well, December two things happened:
I went to the doctor to tell her ‘run every single test you have on me. I don’t care what, just run it. FIND OUT WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!” We find out that my prolactin levels and my LH levels are way too high. They send me to an Endocrinologist. They say, “Oh, you’re taking Risperidone, stop taking it.” I was on it for almost eight years. It was the culprit of some of my problems, including some of my hormonal imbalances. So they started to fix that, and my bipolar went crazy. I went crazy high manic. I got a new job at ASB and since I was doing such an exceptional job with that manic high, I just kept succeeding. Shortly after, I went to the pdoc, who checked my lithium levels knowing damn well I was way too manic. Immediately informed me that my thyroid was completely off the chart. I had to go see my primary care physician immediately. I call them. They say go see your endo. Endo goes, I don’t have orders to see you. This continued for two weeks. I was exhausted by this point. I was tired because I was sick.
Between Feb. 2018 when I had started my job, and to this present day, I have lost almost 70 lbs. Which you will see as the featured photo of this entry. I was sick. I was very sick.
So, they started fixing my thyroid, this started messing with my bipolar disorder. My pdoc’s assistance wouldn’t make an appointment because she said he wasn’t going to help me. I got NOWHERE! For weeks, I was miserable and sick.
So, here is where I am… Endo won’t even allow me to talk to them. I can leave a message with the receptionist but that’s as far as they go. They ordered blood work, which I did exactly as ordered. It’s off again. They won’t say so because it’s still “technically normal” but it’s not going down anymore, it’s going up, and it’s been over a month since we tested my other level which was doubling every two weeks and only went up 0.09 points in over a month.
It’s time for a new endo.
I need to get insurance and paperwork and documentation and all of that squared away first.
In the meantime…
- I have lost almost 70lbs since around February
- I have slept no more than 2-3 hours a night in over a week and half
- They say – go see your pdoc because you’re fucked in the head (without so many words) and that we cannot help you
- So, I call them asking, nicely, to let them know I’m doing much better and that I did see my pdoc. I went got my bloodwork as was ordered
- Levels – to me – are off. T3 and T4 are “normal” yes. However. They’re going back UP when they should be going down. TSH is barely above 0.09 points higher in one month when any other time it went from 0.08 to 0.15 to 0.31 to 0.39 … clearly not doing what it WAS doing
- I’ve lost at least 9lbs just this week alone
- I have eaten about three waffles and a peanut butter sandwich, a few chicken nuggets, that’s about it since last week. I absolutely NO appetite
- I’ll spare you the details, but I have flu-like symptoms which I thought maybe was lithium being too high .. good possibility
- so since I am but am not doing this on my own, I am scheduling my scan on Monday. I just don’t know what to do mainly because if I have the scan within the next few weeks, I need enough time to stop my medication and to do this stupid thyroid scan. Do I have to HIGHLY provide myself some mental preparedness to ensure that my going from 10mg to 5mg screwed with my bipolar disorder extremely bad then what is going from 5mg to 0mg for two weeks going to do, only to go back on it immediately afterward?
- And in one week’s time, we went out and bought a new car, and got married, and realized that spending $1200 on medication in one month’s time was NOT going to work for us and that it would be absolutely stupid to have me pay my premium and his as well and not split the cost of this and that, then we went to the courthouse and filed all the paperwork and just waiting to find out about that, then on top of all else, we got Grandpa’s ring officially sized to be placed upon Mike’s finger.
Phew. So, bipolar fixed – thyroid messed up. Thyroid OK, then things change, bipolar gets messed up! Goodness, this is exhausting. However, let me tell you, only sleeping two-three hours a night sure does provide you with solid opportunity to get a bit done. Like, I came home from work and cleaned for three hours straight that way when I woke up at 3 am this morning I wouldn’t feel guilty about sitting around. It’s all clean and dammit all I have to do is hang out all day, on my ass, doing nothing.
So, I’m going to end this here. I basically came to quickly write about what most of you already know. I wanted to tell you all I’m OK and that I’ve got a good grasp on the situation minus my Endo being a piece of shit. I’m calling on Monday to see another one, but I’m curious as to how to go about doing this since we’ll be switching doctors/insurances again in the next month. *throws up hands* I do not know anymore but I’ll figure it out.