Monday, July 16, 2018 at 6:58 am
Work 9:30 am - 6:30 pm
Work - all day - until 6:30 pm
Nick - summer school - 8:30 - 11:30 am
Mikhail - camp - NO CAMP TODAY - much needed rest day!
Work: 9:30 am - 6:30 pm
Break: 11:30 am
Lunch: 2:00 pm - 3:00 pm
Do your absolute best. Work with what you got. Just keep putting that foot forward.
Shorten call time. Less policy. Short + sweet as much as possible w/o over-explaining.
Double check your bills and see what is left to pay. Should be one more
About 7 hours, almost straight through.
Depressed/Harmful/Out of Control
Did my best to enjoy the little kindness that came out of any pleasant phone call.
Took in all the love and support Mike could provide to me as much as he could.
[Written at 7:45 am] Today I am beginning my journey of starting over, once again, fresh and new. I will be calling a new psychiatrist. I have two in mind. Both are Masters level doctors, one specializing in everything I have. He’s my first bet. He has two locations that are both within 2-3 miles of the house. With his expertise and location, I feel this would be a good first step. If he is booked out at one location, I have to drive approx. an additional 3-5 minutes to get to the second. No biggie.
Did you know that starting from scratch has got to be one of the hardest things you can do in the psych world? The way I look at it, you are calling and explaining what skeletons haunt you at night to a lady who doesn’t really care, just seeing if you’re really messed up enough to be seen. After determining the level of ‘psychiatric’ as found, they set you up with a consultation appointment. This is where you meet your new doctor and layout 80% of your dirty little secrets and deep dark skeletons in your closet so he can evaluate just what we’re looking at here. You go over what you have/have not tried, and then they make their prognosis – which could be exactly what you’ve always thought it to be, plus or minus some, OR something completely different than what you’ve always come to know. If they’re a good doctor, they’ll continue you what you’ve been on and tried and add things. If not, they will say ‘wipe the slate clean, let’s try all sorts of brand new things that I’m getting lots of perks for giving you.’
Being that I have ‘better’ insurance, I’m hoping for the best outcome. I’m hoping I do not have to call 300 offices to be told, “we don’t accept that insurance” or worse, “sorry, we are not accepting new patients at this time”. That was my favorite.
So, on my lunch today, I’m going to make a few phone calls and see where I get. I’m hoping for the best. I’m hoping I can XYZ and they go, “when are YOU available, and I’ll say Thursday all day, otherwise, we’re looking at after six o’ clock each evening for this week. Tuesday after 11 am next week, otherwise, we’re looking at a weekend appointment for next week.
Otherwise, it’s just going to work, put that smile on my voice, push aside all the terrible, terrible thoughts that I have in my head all day. I have to try to just enjoy myself as much as humanly possible and just have fun with it. I am still utterly exhausted. We were both so tired last night and ended up staying up until at least after 11. I got maybe six hours of sleep.
Also, now that I’m actually using the blog + boxes in the planner aspect of things, I really need to adjust some sizing for things for the computer. I promise the mobile/tablet version will be fixed once I get around to it. Otherwise, I got two weeks ahead of me with two random days off in there which means either cram everything in those two days off, or do my best to just stay awake and function. I’ll write more after work and such. Nick starts summer school today, and Mikhail is staying home from camp for an extra day of rest. Everyone is miserable and tired. Mike and I’s stomach aren’t cooperating probably due to the absolute junk we ate over the weekend. ::shrugs::
Work Day and Evening
I lowered my medication for my thyroid over two weeks ago. Endo argues that it’s exactly where it needs to be and continues to improve as weeks go by. Psych doctor argues that he will absolutely not do anything to fix this because this is NOT bipolar related because our bipolar stability has been great for months, years even! That was last week.
We went camping over the weekend. It was OK. Not the vacation I needed, but at this point, what is it that I really need? I don’t even know. It was stressful but not? I don’t know. It wasn’t what I expected. << That is my main problem. Nothing is what I expect it to be. I have all these expectations in my head. Some of them are off the wall in the ridiculousness that shouldn’t be asked of someone. Some are ridiculous to ask of myself. Expectations that are crazy enough to have never been able to be met in reality. Yet, I expect them.
Monday came. Mikhail stayed home from camp because he was absolutely wiped out. Overheated, too much sun, activities, and wear and tear on him over the weekend. He has a field trip to go rollerskating today so I didn’t want to send him Monday, only to get extremely burnt out, to end up not going on Tuesday and miss his field trip. I gave him the option to stay home and just recoup from the weekend. Nickolas had his first day of summer school. Depending on which person you talked to, he had a really great but a really crappy day. He had to walk from school yesterday, and to and from today. He’s not happy about the walk because it’s about a 20-30 minute walk depending on how fast you’re going.
My day wasn’t so, simple. I bawled my eyes out the entire ride to walk; you know those cries where you’re straight up ugly crying? Oh, yea. Definitely ugly crying worthy. I walked into the bank, and down the stairs. I fell and rolled my ankle on the last step managed to land flat on my chest while saving my coffee cup completely upright perfectly. I managed to have 30 seconds to get up and into my desk. I hobbled in and logged in. First call in was a guy screaming and yelling at me about god what. The second call I locked myself out of one of my programs. I had to take time off a very busy call time and call the help desk to get reset, which turned into me fumbling to try to reset my password. Why caused him to remote into my computer to change it for me because I’m so competent. He fumbled a good few times to get it changed, and we ended up with some car name, some numbers, and some random symbol. I took a second to copy/paste that into my encrypted spreadsheet and proceeded to type it wrong, until looking it up, the rest of the day. Call volume was decent, calls themselves weren’t too terrible. I drove home for lunch. Another burst of ugly crying happened the whole way home. My transmission wouldn’t cooperate. I begged and pleaded that the car makes it home and back and forth to work. Five minutes after I should have left to get back to work, the boys starting to fight and Nick made some smart comment which caused a lot more ugly crying on the way to work.
By the time I was back at work, I was an absolute wreck. I had less than 3 minutes to hobble from the second parking lot, into the building, down to the basement, into my desk and be ready to take calls, while my face was probably horrendous from the crying I had just done.
Now, all the while this whole thing went on, I had called to take. I had to sound pleasant, happy, and ready to help our customers. I mustered enough voice in me to sound like I wasn’t about to lose my shit each and every second and did what I had to do. At the end of the day, I was done. My very little gleam in my eye was gone. I had thoughts running through my head that were completely uncontrolled at this time. What’s next? How do I end it without affecting everyone too badly?
I went for about an hour making dinner. Mike and I sat. He finally got it out of me. I told him everything even though I really didn’t want to burden him or make him sad or worried or upset. I have no control over any of these thoughts. I cannot control them. I don’t know why they are here. But here they are, and I guess it’s pretty important that someone know that I’m having them. I just don’t want people looking at me like I’m going to walk into the kitchen and just slice away. Or down a few bottles of pills at once. I don’t want someone to be on edge everytime I go in some direction thinking I’m going to do something to myself.
The transmission got me home… it’s done. We went (after I calmed down) and drove his truck. It’s so big. It’s hard for me to drive. I did it. What choice did I have?
He made a comment. It has stuck in my head since.
They’re fixing you, right? They’re fixing you to be how you were before you had Mikhail. That’s the ultimate goal. To fix everything that has been messed up since you’re pregnancy. You were not manic before Mikhail. You were always and only depressed. There was no mania. It was always depression. It was only depression. And now that they’re getting you adjusted closer and closer to what you were before Mikhail, what do you have? Depression.
*mind blown* He’s right. Absolutely right! Why did I not think of this before?! I was depressed. I had nothing but depression prior to Mikhail. I was treated time and time again for depression. I was depressed with Nick. I was depressed and cutting before Mikhail. I had postpartum depression after Mikhail… and then, bipolar, mania, anger, rage, everything went out of whack.
So, we ended the night with very little said. He told me that he knows exactly what I’m going through because he’s been there. And he wants to say this in the most non-dick way, but he knows my history and he’s gonna be worried about me because I have scars across my entire body from my history of dealing with this.