- Just get some answers from doctor
- Mikhail - Field trip for camp - Bowling - 12:30 - 3:30 pm
- If answers are provided by endo, follow up with what needs to be done w/ appoint with pdoc
- Work - 9:15 am - 6:15 pm
Break around 11:30 am
Lunch between 2 pm - 3 pm
[ X ] do your best at work. Just keep trucking on, and trying your hardest. You've been your absolute worse the past two weeks, and no one has had a clue because you're amazing at hiding it. You've even received a 100% score for a QA and some OK numbers for daily scorecards. Just keep trying.
[-] Come home and get done what you need to. Otherwise, just figure out the next few days ahead... One step forward.
[-] Look at coding for this entry and figure out which are some of the best options for arrangements for boxes with sizes.
[-] think about dinner - figure it out.
[-] have Nick do something on your lunch break or have list ready for him when you're home.
"The dispute process takes ... [five minutes later = customer confused]" to be "I'll close out the card, file the dispute for the total amount of $00.00, and you'll receive paperwork in the mail." If questions asked, answer... otherwise, end it there.
- Just try your absolute best.
- Watch your tone
- Smile on your voice
- WRAP IT UP!
I had terrible adherence w/ personal time being over and not ready time being absolutely terrible.
- Mike's FINAL ambulance payment should have been processed today - $579
- Technically, NO SPEND DAY
- [If camping] Pack and get all camping stuff ready to go.
[If off] Spend the HOT weekend hanging out inside of the house, getting it cleaned up and doing some things that are much needed.
[All depends as to what happens]
Bed at 10:45 pm
[Night] Much calmer. Quality time with Mike. Random FFYS dinner for everyone. Youtube videos. I am much calmer tonight. However, I have had way more Klonopin that I more than likely probably should have consumed.
Long story short, I’m experiencing one of the scariest roller coaster rides of my life. I have had many of these lives throughout the years. Months up, months down… only to repeat over and again. However, this one is much different. I am tieing it to the fact that I changed thyroid medicine from 10mg to 5mg – half a tablet. Doesn’t seem like a big deal, pretty small amount in retrospect. With that being said, thyroid hormones, plus all of my normal womanly hormones, with the addition of bipolar disorder, anxiety, and OCD on top of all of that, really messes with your head.
The breakdown happened on Sunday. Three hours long break down of me trying to sort out my own thoughts, while telling Mike what I thought, without having a clue what was real or fake or made up in my own make-believe world that I created the prior two weeks. I was legitimately under the impression I was going to come home at some point this month to some grand party of a surprise birthday or (HAHA) even wedding. At this time, I realized how naive I was to think that something so off the wall would have even been considered to be true in my own head, but I believed it because the thoughts were racing so quickly to lead me to believe that this was a possibility.
I’m experiencing everything from mind racing at a speed I have never experienced in my life. Suicidal thoughts, not actions, or self-harm. Just to be clear about that. Depression, crying, no self-worth, making up scenarios, thoughts, or impressions and judgment from others, that is probably completely, 100% untrue. I’m impulsive to the point of spending money, I don’t have, nor have the ability to get. With SO much added expense that I have never experienced before, which added to the anxiety play of things in the entire situation. My sex drive is absolutely through the roof. Which is great for me, but not necessarily anyone else. Because it is so incredibly high, that I cannot control my own body of needing this form of pleasure or release. If something is done to provide it, instantly, then five-ten minute later, right back to needing more. What the hell is going on with me?!
I called the endo… or let me say, the endo’s nurse practitioner’s assistant, who is currently playing phone tag with me over the past two days.
Please let this be fixed. I haven’t experienced mood swings and ups and downs like this since after I was pregnant with Mikhail which leads me to a VERY good indication that ALL of this was NOT bipolar disorder back then, which I went 7-9 years treating, but in fact my stupid hormones and possibly including my thyroid in the mix of this and that I have been going years, down an incompletely right path to ‘fix myself’.
Two weeks ago, I changed my meds. Two weeks ago, our huge merger happened between our new incoming back into our bank. 24,000+ calls on the first Monday and continued for two weeks. That’s died down significantly, but I did that, while all THIS was going on. So yea, when you wonder to yourself, would it better to just give up?, it wouldn’t be something out of the ordinary to think when so much is hitting you, your moods, your emotions, your thoughts, your perceived thoughts from other’s opinions about you, and so much more, on top of working 45-50 hours a week for the very first time in your life. That tends to do some pretty gnarly things to your mental and emotional state of being.
We’ll see what comes next. Three more days of work. Camping may be canceled – weather and Mike’s call pending.
I spent a good portion of the day doing three things:
- calling two different doctor’s offices, begging, pleading, please, PLEASE HELP ME! One advised me to go to the other, and ultimately I wound up with an appointment to see my psych in two weeks, as was originally scheduled, with an indication that he will not help with this because this is not a bipolar situation but a thyroid/hormonal situation. Only to be told by my endo that I should seek psychiatric treatment and immediate care, including the suicide hotline because I went on for 20 minutes of the symptoms I was having due to the ONLY thing that has changed – which was their change to my thyroid medication, and they simply heard “suicidal thoughts” and blocked everything else out. Which followed up with the actual doctor calling me very overwhelmed that I needed to seek treatment immediately. After explaining that I’ve had similar THOUGHTS since I’ve been 10 years old, and know full well how to handle them, she advised me to call my psych. My psych told me what I said earlier. I called endo back to confirm psych will not help with this because it is going to screw up my bipolar that we’ve worked SO hard to stabilize over the years and this is NOT bipolar related, and will not help. She finally indicated that I could redo my blood work immediately. I stated that I would absolutely by no means leave work to do so, and would take care of it tomorrow morning. She indicated she wouldn’t be in the office tomorrow, and we both kinda left this as… well, then I guess nothing will be done until at the EARLIEST … Wednesday or Thursday. I also very blatantly made it clear, I was on 10mg. You put me back on 10mg, where I was fine and dandy, what happens when I do the scan? I absolutely HAVE to stop this medication for two weeks prior. So, my reduction of 10mg to 5mg cause THIS, what the crap is going to happen when I go from 10mg to 0mg without any wean time to do this scan? WTF is gonna happen then? So they go, do the bloodwork tomorrow, we’ll see what it says, and go from there and don’t worry about the scans anymore.
- doing my absolute best being cussed out or screamed out by customers.
- trying to keep my absolute complete cool with all emotions from everything that occurred today on top of everything added on top with customer situations.
I had an exhausting day and we will see tomorrow – what comes next?